I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
