Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
