the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
