i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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