How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
