When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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