Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
