Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
