so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
