Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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