I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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