That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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