u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
