saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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