The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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