i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
