I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
