Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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