i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
