You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
