Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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