Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
