Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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