So drunk its hurt
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
