I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize