dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
