Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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