saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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