the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
