The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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