I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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