Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
