im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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