my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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