remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
