He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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