Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
