I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
