tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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