note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
