all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Randomize
