I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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