the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
