The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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