Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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