I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Randomize
