Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
