You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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