I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
