Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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