Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
there is glitter all over my balls
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