At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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