My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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