I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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