I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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