i just identified you from a description of your pipe
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
