I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
