If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
