id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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