I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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