I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
