Your face is a jimmy john
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
